Grief can be hard work and takes energy. When you experience the loss of a baby, no matter the circumstance, you also lose hopes and dreams of what was to be. Feeling sadness and loss for those silent hopes is a natural part of grieving. It is important to acknowledge and grieve the loss of your baby in order to heal emotionally.

There is no set time for feelings of grief. You will need to allow yourself and your partner to heal over time and find meaningful ways to remember. Let yourself, your partner, and your family do what is most helpful to each of you.

Try to create an environment where you have open communication. Even though both you and your partner have lost the same baby, how one parent grieves will be different from the other. Avoid judging each other’s reactions, as they will be unique to each of you. Your personality, gender, culture, religion, previous experiences of loss, and experiences with how your family handled grief can all impact your grief. You and your partner may find different ways to cope. At times, it may be hard to understand one another.

Among friends and family, you may experience times where grief makes others uncomfortable and is not easy to talk about. Those around you may not know what to say or do to be helpful. People may make an insensitive comment, while not meaning to upset you. You may feel as though your loss is not acknowledged by others, and you are alone.

Grief is a process and it may return with other future losses, whether they are similar or different. Learning to live with grief and finding a way to make your baby part of your life will be important.

Although it may not seem possible right now, the experience of many parents is that, over time, a dull ache replaces the strong feelings of grief and loss. Grief will stop dominating your life and eventually you will return to a “new” normal.

Styles of coping with grief

There are 2 common styles of coping with grief. You and your partner may be handling grief in different styles.

• Thinking and doing: Grief that is expressed by thinking or doing focuses on distracting yourself so as to not focus on the feeling. For example, you busy yourself with projects, volunteering, or pouring yourself into your work.
• Feeling: Grief is experienced emotionally where there are intense feelings and waves of emotions. This process focuses on checking into feelings and reflections and putting energy into the emotional response. For example, strong sadness, crying, and wanting to talk about your baby.

The loss of twins or multiples

A multiple pregnancy becomes both unique and special for the expecting parents. While you may or may not have expected twins or multiples, once you know, you will find yourselves forming strong bonds with the babies. You may think about how the siblings will be together. Feelings about the loss of a twin or multiples are also unique, as you are potentially grieving for more than one baby.

If you are experiencing the loss of one twin or multiple, while one or more babies has survived, you may feel many mixed emotions, including happiness about the surviving baby as well as grief for the loss of one or more babies. It is normal to feel anxious about the surviving baby or babies.

Each milestone reached by the surviving baby or babies may also remind you of the lost moments and milestones of your baby who died. Let your healthcare providers know if you are having these mixed feelings about your loss. You may wish to attend a support group or talk to a grief counsellor who has supported families with a similar loss.

The impact of grief

Grief is normal. It is our response to the loss of anything we value. It is a unique process for each person that cannot be hurried. Grief challenges our sense of meaning and purpose, but it can also lead to growth and healing.

There are 5 areas that grief may affect: physical (your body), cognitive (how you think), emotional (your feelings), relationships (social), and spiritual. Grief may impact these areas at different times or what seems like all at once. Some ways you may feel grief include:

• lack of energy
• changes in sleep or appetite
• stomach aches, nausea, or muscle aches
• chest pain and tightness
• more colds or infections (weaker immune system)
• breast tenderness
• aching arms

• shock, denial, confusion
• problems concentrating or remembering things
• fatigue or lack of motivation
• less interest in things you enjoy
• trouble processing information and solving problems

• intense sadness
• fear and anxiety, panic attacks, or agitation
• feeling helpless or overwhelmed
• feeling alone
• feeling guilt or shame
• anger or resentment
• less confidence or being unsure of yourself

• feeling isolated and alone
• feeling out of touch with others
• changes in relationships
• not able to manage everyday life and work
• losing contact with friends and family
• feeling upset when around families with infants or children, or around people who are pregnant

• feeling your life has changed forever
• questions about meaning and purpose
• testing beliefs or faith (questions like: “why me?” or “where is my God?")
• spending more time or less time with your faith community than before
• losing your sense of purpose (questions like: “why go on?")

Secondary losses

There may be other ways in which you are affected by grief and the loss of your baby. You may feel grief for the loss of a role as a parent or the loss of relationships, support systems, or connections with community. You may feel the loss of not becoming a mother or father to your baby or missing the opportunity to be together as a new family. Or you may no longer feel comfortable meeting with a group of friends with new babies or attending baby showers.

Partner grief

Parents often go through loss in different ways. A mother may connect with her baby as soon as she knows she's pregnant. She may spend a lot of time thinking about the baby and her physical changes. In the early stages, a father or partner may experience the pregnancy only through the mother's eyes. Some partners may feel more involved or more attached as the pregnancy develops.

It can be hard to understand or relate to your partner at this time. This is normal. Try not to judge your partner's reactions and understand that you may each be dealing with your grief in a different way. One partner may cry and want to talk about the baby, their hopes, and their dreams. The other partner may cope through distraction. They may return to work sooner, work longer hours, or busy themselves with sports or hobbies. Some people will cope with the loss by connecting socially and others may grieve in private. This may further increase distance in the relationship. It can be helpful to understand that your partner is grieving too, even if the expression of their grief is different.

Fathers’ grief

The excitement that some fathers have about a pregnancy and meeting their baby may be the same as, or stronger than, their partner’s excitement. But when a loss of a baby happens, the focus is often on the mother, and a father’s grief may not be acknowledged.

Men are socialized to be strong and to take care of their partners. But when there is a loss, both parents are affected. Fathers may feel like they should put their grief on hold to be there for their partner. Yet for most fathers, news of a pregnancy is also met with hopes, dreams, and expectations of how their life will change.

Fathers may find themselves experiencing their grief later than their partner because they feel the need or expectation to “carry on” as quickly as possible. Often, fathers will want to “do something” and will get involved with projects and distractions or will need to problem solve or “fix” the situation. As a father, you will also experience a variety of emotions like sadness, anger, a sense of failure, helplessness, and powerlessness. If you have experienced previous losses, those losses may resurface. You might find yourself asking questions like “why me?” You may feel guilty for not being able to protect your baby and helpless for not being able to protect your partner from the pain and grief they are experiencing because of the loss.

It is OK for fathers to reach out and let others know how they are feeling about the loss. You and your partner can be a support to each other and connect in caring, listening ways during this difficult time. Accept help and support from your family members and friends.​​​