Finding support

Talk about your grief and reactions with your partner. Other caring family members or friends can help you work through the grief, too, though some of them may not understand your experiences and feelings.

If finding the right words to say is difficult, you may want to put your thoughts in writing before sharing with your partner. Another suggestion is to write a letter to your baby. This can also help to create a special memory about your baby.

You and your partner may also wish to use professional support, such as a counsellor, or attend a parent support group. Many parents have found connecting with other parents can be very meaningful and helpful in acknowledging their own grief. Other parents within support groups will know and understand many of the feelings you are having.

Less effective ways of coping with grief can include:

• working too much
• using alcohol or substances
• spending more time away from your home or partner
• withdrawing from your partner

Try to avoid these behaviours and talk about your grief as best as you can. Remember that grief is a process. It is important to give yourself permission to feel the various emotions.

Watch for signs that you or your partner may be experiencing relationship issues or depression:

• significant lack of sleep or oversleeping
• issues with healthy eating
• strong expressions of guilt, self-blame, or thoughts of suicide

Talk to your healthcare provider, find a list of services and helplines in Alberta, or call Health Link at 811 to learn about counselling programs and services that are available to support you and your partner.

Strategies for coping and taking care of yourself

Part of the grief and healing process is taking care of your emotional, physical, social, and spiritual health.

• Acknowledge your loss. The loss is relative to the care, love, and attention you have shared for your baby. It is not the length of time you had your baby, but the depth of your attachment to the baby.
• Recognize your feelings. You may experience a range of emotions such as sadness or anger. Your feelings are all valid. You have experienced the loss of your baby and your hopes and dreams for this child.
• Allow yourself to be nurtured. Go for a massage, listen to music, read, paint, or write in a journal.
• Pull out special mementos or your memory box and plan some time to be with these.
• Surround yourself with calm, such as soft lighting and comforting music.
• Practice mindfulness or meditation.
• Limit your time using the computer or the internet.
• Write a letter to your baby, a journal entry, or blog.
• Recognize your anger and find healthy ways to express it.

• Take care of yourself and drink lots of water. Tears can be dehydrating.
• Make sure you are eating enough. If this is hard, try eating small amounts more often.
• When possible, go for walks or do some form of physical activity. This will help you sleep better and it will give you the energy to grieve.
• Try to keep your normal bedtime routines.
• If you drink alcohol, limit the amount you drink. Alcohol can affect your ability to cope in a healthy way.

• Know that it is normal to not want to engage with others at first. This is sometimes called “cocooning” and can be a way to conserve the limited energy you have.
• Reach out to your loved ones and support people. Let them know that it helps when they check in with you.
• Let friends and family help. If you have older children, other family members may be willing to provide childcare or they may be able to help with meals, housework, or running errands.
• You may feel jealous of people who are pregnant or parents who have babies. These feelings are normal and do not make you an uncaring person.
• Do activities you enjoy and that are nurturing for you.
• Give yourself permission to limit social media or disengage from it for a period of time.

• If it offers you comfort, participate in your spiritual or religious activities or community.
• Find ways to remember your baby for significant holidays, like by getting an ornament in their honour.
• Make time to remember. Planning can give you some scheduled time for remembering without overwhelming your schedule.
• Attend an event such as a candle-lighting ceremony or a walk to remember, or start one with your family or community.
• Plant a tree or your favourite flowers to help you remember your baby.

Coping during milestones

During holidays or milestones, like the anniversary of your loss, feelings of grief and thoughts of your baby may return. Notice your feelings about the upcoming day, anniversary, or holiday. Plan to take some time for extra self-care. You may want to try:

• creating or reviewing your memory box and filling it with meaningful items
• writing a letter to your baby
• having a ritual, like releasing a balloon, lighting a candle, planting a tree, or having a service
• visiting the cemetery or other special place
• acknowledging the anniversary of your loss as a celebration for your baby
• doing gentle things to take care of yourself

Coping strategies for couples

When a couple experiences the loss of a baby, both parents are affected. So often, the person they have relied upon most, their spouse, may not be able to respond or support them. Each person attempts to deal with the loss and grief in their own way. And while each is experiencing the loss, the timing of grief and the expression of grief may be quite different.

• Accept that your partner’s way of dealing with grief will be different from yours.
• Each person will have had dreams and hopes for the baby. Sharing your dreams can give you insight into each other’s feelings and the nature of your partner’s loss.
• This can be a difficult time for families. Openness and communication are the keys to helping your relationship become deeper as you both heal. Work at communicating your thoughts, feelings, needs, and emotions.
• Your partner cannot be your only supporter. Look for outside support from friends, family, clergy, professional counsellors, or support groups.
• Stress in your sexual relationship may develop. Approach your partner with understanding and compassion.
• Grief impacts people and changes them. Give each other time to accept these changes.
• Give yourself and your partner permission to enjoy life. Even though you are experiencing loss, do not expect to be sad all the time. Share laughter as well as the tears.
• Search for ways to nurture yourself.
• Take time for each other. Set a time to talk each day.

When to get help

You may find it difficult to ask for help. Sometimes feeling overwhelmed, down, or just unable to enjoy the things you usually enjoy can lead to isolation and possibly depression. Look for signs that you or your partner could benefit from counselling support:

• breaking into tears unexpectedly months after the loss
• not feeling able to get out of bed or do things you normally enjoy
• too much or too little sleep
• numbness or withdrawal from partner, family, or friends
• working beyond your normal schedule
• drinking more alcohol than usual or using other substances
• extreme or sudden changes of behaviour
• signs of addiction, including food addiction, gambling, alcohol, substances, or internet addiction
• physical symptoms that continue
• focusing on events surrounding the loss
• overwhelming anger or agitation
• excessive spending or gambling

Talk to your healthcare provider, find a list of services and helplines in Alberta, or call Health Link at 811 to learn about counselling programs and services that are available to support you and your partner.​