When parents experience the loss of a baby, others may find themselves not knowing the right thing to say or do. Most importantly, family members and friends can help by just listening and being present when needed.
There are no magic words to take away the pain of the loss experienced by a parent. Tell your friend or family member that you are sorry for their loss and ask what you can do to help or support them. Acknowledge the baby and what the baby meant to the parents. If the baby has a name, call the baby by name. Be as open, responsive, and present as possible, and let the grieving parent guide you through their own experience of the loss.
Give the parents time to learn how to effectively cope with their ongoing grief. There is no set time limit for grief. Parents, children, or grandparents affected by the loss of a baby will move in and out of periods of significant grief. It will be unique to each person, and they may cope in different ways. It may take a long time before parents can attend family gatherings, social events, or celebrations, or be around other babies.
Grief around times of holidays or the date of the loss can be particularly difficult. To help with their grief, parents will need their own unique ways to remember the baby over their lifetime. You can show your support by helping with the ways to remember. For example, you can acknowledge occasions like holidays or the day the baby was born, send cards, or give little mementos or holiday remembrances. These mementos will let the parents know you are thinking of them and the baby they lost.
What to say
- “I am sorry.”
- “How can I help right now?”
- “I want to listen to you, understand, and help with support.”
You can also encourage them to talk about their baby, like the baby’s name, size, special features, or feelings during pregnancy or the birthing experience.
What not to say
- “You are lucky you have (or can have) other children.”
- “It was meant to be” or “It was part of life’s plan.”
- “It is better you didn’t have time to know the baby.”
- “You need to move on.”
- “Don’t cry” or “Don’t be sad.”
- “I’ll pray for you.” (unless the family has asked you to pray for them)
- Comments about God and angels
Other ways you may be able to help
- Ask the parents what would be helpful and check in regarding their specific wishes.
- Ask about a good time to call or visit.
- Prepare meals or help with things around the home. You can also organize a few people to help at different times in the weeks ahead.
- Take the initiative and reach out to them.
- Help with notifying others, if the parents ask you to.
- Offer to drive parents to appointments.
- Assist with funeral arrangements and attend the funeral or memorial service.
- Help with ways to remember the baby. Write a poem or letter or give a special memento to the family like an ornament, jewelry, art, or ceramics.
- Offer to take care of any other children.
You can also help by recognizing the signs of someone who may need professional support or crisis support. Look for:
- ongoing or significant sleep disturbances
- changes in appetite or activities
- thoughts of blame or guilt
- talk of suicide
