Grandparents are often referred to as the “forgotten mourners” when they lose a grandchild to a neonatal death. The loss of a baby is devastating because it defies the natural life cycle, where the older generation feels they should die before younger generations. The loss may also bring up losses from the past.
Grandparents often feel helpless and powerless because they are not able to protect their adult child or grandchild from this traumatic experience.
Grandparents grieve twice. They grieve for the grandchild they were expecting and the hopes and dreams of a new grandchild, but they also grieve for their adult child and their partner who are facing a loss. Seeing the impact of the baby’s death on the parents is particularly hard for the grandparents to bear.
Grandparents are experiencing their own grief while also trying to support their grieving adult child. How you support your adult child will depend on a few factors:
- your relationship with your child
- circumstances of the loss
- your health
- personal and financial resources
Remember that grief is a unique experience. Everyone grieves in their own way. You will grieve differently than your partner, as will your adult child and their partner. Each of us is influenced by our gender, culture, our learned styles of grieving, and beliefs about how grief should be expressed and for how long. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
How to care for yourself as a grandparent
As a grieving grandparent, you are dealing with multiple challenges. To support your adult child, you need to first care for yourself and honour your grief. Your grief may be profound, complex, and may not be fully acknowledged. In some families, grieving parents may minimize and misunderstand your grief.
- Let yourself cry. This can help your children to feel supported in their loss and grief.
- Take care of your body through eating well, drinking lots of water, being physically active every day, and getting enough rest and sleep.
- Write your feelings in a journal or read about grief.
- Do something physical in honour of your grandchild, like building a memory box, making a swing, or planting a garden.
- Seek support through a support group, counselling, or talking to your friends. Find support outside of your child, as they may be too overwhelmed with their own grief to support you.
- If you drink alcohol, limit the amount you drink. Alcohol can affect your ability to cope in a healthy way.
- Contact available grief programs in your area for more information or support.
Remember the grief of grandparents can be as intense and as painful as the grief of the parents. There is no time limit to grief and there is no right or wrong way to experience your grief.
How to care for your adult child
- Respect the decisions your child and their partner make at this time.
- Offer practical support like help with meals, running errands, cleaning, driving, answering the phone, and providing childcare if they have other children.
- Offer to help with funeral planning. Note that this might be something the parents want to do themselves.
- Offer to take photos of the baby. Let the parents decide if and when they want to see them.
- Call your grandchild by name. Most parents say hearing their baby’s name is “music to their ears.”
- Remember your grandchild and children on special occasions. This can include birthdays, due date, anniversary of the baby’s death, Christmas or religious holidays, as appropriate, as well as Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.
- Include your grandchild when talking about the number of grandchildren you have.
- Make sure this grandchild has a place in your home. This can be done by displaying their photograph, hand or footprint, or something else representing the baby.
- Respect the parents’ wishes about what to do with the nursery. There’s no rule about when or if the nursery should be rearranged.
