Everyone deals with death and dying differently. For most people this is a very hard time to go through. Not only in accepting a loved one's illness but going through the experience with them. You may feel numb, exhausted, and confused. Knowing what to expect, asking questions, talking about decisions and plans before a death happens can help you through this.
When someone you care about is diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, it can take time and effort to understand what's happening. It's common for you, your loved one, and others to have many different feelings such as anger, despair, sadness, and shock.
Someone with a life-threatening illness may have more fear, anxiety, anger, and sadness. Their hopes, expectations, and plans often change during this time. Their emotional and physical needs will almost certainly change as well. They may feel confused about what to expect. Some react by pulling away from others or not doing their usual activities.
As a family member or friend, you may find that during this time you also have some feelings and thoughts that are hard to understand. You feel time stands still and that things that are important to you (your priorities) change. You may also feel that:
- life and death take on new meaning
- things in life you depend on have changed
- your hopes for the future change
- you find it harder to understand what life is for and what it means
To help both yourself and your loved one, talk about these feelings and ask your palliative care team any questions you have about what's happening or what to expect.
When death gets closer
The changes you may hear about or see don't all happen for everyone, or they may not go in a certain order. It's still important to be aware of what might happen and prepare for it if they do happen.
It's normal to sleep more, have less energy, eat less, or withdraw from family and friends.
Ways you can help
Just being there for your loved one is one of the best ways to offer comfort and support. Having you and others around can be a powerful way of connecting even if you're not talking. You can help your loved one cope by:
- talking about the past when they are awake and want to talk
- sharing how important the person has been to you
- writing stories and memories in a notebook to share with them
- enjoying laughs together to help lessen stress and bring you closer
- telling them about your day
- dimming lights or playing their favourite music softly
- giving them a hug, holding their hand, or giving them a gentle massage, if they want to be touched
It's up to you how much you help with their daily care. The healthcare team can show you how to provide care such as mouth care, positioning for comfort, and helping in the bathroom.
Be sure you take care of yourself as well during this time. Take time to rest, eat, and drink enough fluids. It's OK to take a break from being at the bedside if you need to.
