Children are often forgotten mourners after a neonatal loss. When a baby dies, the focus is generally on the parents. But siblings, cousins, and other children in your life may have been anxiously waiting for this baby to arrive.

Death can be confusing for children. It is important to explain things in simple language they understand. Younger children can be quite literal. A child may have been upset about sharing attention with a new baby. The imaginative thinking of younger children may lead them to believe they caused the baby to die.

Try not to say things like “the baby was sick.” If you use phrases like that, a child may worry that something will happen the next time you or they are sick. If you say the “baby has gone to heaven,” explain what heaven is. Otherwise, they may wonder when the baby will return. Tell a child the baby has died and explain what death means.

Your child may ask the same questions over and over again. Be gentle and answer the questions as they come up. Try not to overwhelm them with too much information. Children will let you know by their questions and actions when they have heard too much.

It is natural as adults to want to protect children from emotional situations. If you are grieving, even if you try to hide it, children will know something is “off.” A child may feel they are to blame for their parent’s sadness. If you are open with your emotions, this will help your child to acknowledge what has happened.

Include your children in remembering the baby:

• Welcome your children to take part in memorial services.
• You may have had pictures taken that you can share with them. Children may create untrue visions in their heads about what the baby looks like. A photo or their own drawings can help with these images. If a child is not ready to see photos or does not want to see photos, wait until they are ready.
• Help your child create something tangible to honour the baby. They might help give the baby a name or draw a picture.
• Choose a ritual with meaning to you and involve your children, like planting a tree, releasing a balloon, or lighting a candle.

Remember to be gentle to yourself and your children. The baby that was lost will always be a part of your family. It will take time for everyone to figure out how that will be.

How children understand death

A child's understanding of death depends on their age and experience with loss. The information below may help you tailor how you support children after the loss of your baby. It is not a substitute for medical care or counselling.

Adapted from Elyse C. Salek and Kenneth R. Ginsburg. Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Kids Roots and Wings. 3rd ed. 2014.

Infants and toddlers

Infants and toddlers do not understand death. But even very young infants can sense what their parents and caregivers are experiencing. Take care of yourself and recognize your need to grieve.

Try to keep as many routines intact as possible. Routine is a protective force for children amid major disruptions. Avoid separation as much as possible and provide extra physical attention to comfort your child and enhance their sense of security.

Ages 3 to 5

Preschoolers are concrete thinkers, seeing things exactly as they appear and hearing things literally. It is important that they are told about death in simple, clear language. Be prepared for young children to continue to ask where the baby is and when they are coming back.

• believe sickness and death are temporary
• believe illness is caused by a specific action
• may believe that they caused the illness or death
• mix reality and fantasy

• may start doing previous behaviours (like thumb sucking or wetting the bed, if they are toilet trained)
• may be angry about all the changes in schedule or activities
• may play normally, but this does not mean they are not affected by the loss
• feelings of abandonment, loneliness, or confusion
• will need repetition of facts and simple explanations
• need support, comfort, honesty, and reassurance
• may act out the death through play activities

Ages 6 to 8

School-aged children will begin to understand that death is a final event. Give them simple and honest explanations and then ask them how they understand the information. Take time to clear up any misunderstandings.

Young children may need your support to find the words to express their emotions and find ways to help them feel better. Give children many chances to talk about their feelings. It is more important to listen than to say the perfect words.

• may worry that what happens to people who are sick will happen to them
• concerned about the body and that illness results in death
• view death as punishment, or as a “taker” or violent (often influenced by cartoons and media images)
• can express feelings about what is happening
• may ask for concrete facts about illness and death
• define illness in terms of how it affects them
• move between concrete and magical thinking

• may react with confusion by the degree of emotion they are experiencing
• may react with anger if usual activities are interrupted
• may feel they are different from their peers or be concerned about peer reactions
• can experience great fear and nightmares
• may have physical symptoms (like a tummy ache)
• need clear, understandable explanations
• need support and reassurance, especially about your health
• need to know that there are many people who love and care about them

Ages 9 to 12

Pre-teen children are starting to think logically and will likely have many “why” questions. They may need detailed information. Even though they can begin to understand that death is final, they may have difficulty talking about or expressing feelings. At this age, children are often involved in activities and relationships outside of their homes and families and so may be getting information from friends or media.

• the meaning of the illness or death is centered on how it affects the child socially
• may not understand the reasons for the illness or disease process
• view death as permanent but not universal
• interested in biological details
• concerned with practicalities

• may focus on how the loss has disrupted their life
• may try to cover up feelings, including hiding feelings from peers, in an effort to appear more “grown up”
• may be unhappy if they have additional responsibilities given to them
• may ask many questions and want specific information and details
• experience anxiety and fear
• may withdraw
• need reassurance and for grieving to be modeled

Teens (ages 12 and older)

Teenagers are starting to understand more fully the realities of death and dying. This means that teens will experience the loss with more insight, compassion, and conflict than younger children.

Since young teens are beginning to understand death, they experience powerful feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, and fear. Older teens are moving away from the self-centeredness of younger years and understand the effect of the loss on themselves and others.

• view death as universal, inevitable, and permanent
• general understanding of how the body works
• understand the significance of serious illness
• can philosophize and examine the meaning of life

• may remain very close and then withdraw to be with friends
• worry about the future
• understand how others are feeling
• need the support of friends and will seek support outside the family
• may fall behind in school
• may experience anger
• need space to initiate talking and sharing emotion
• may express themselves through writing, poetry, art, or reading
• not expressing or feeling grief may lead to defiant behaviour

Options for support

You are not alone. There are other families who understand your experiences and emotions. Many families have found it helpful to connect with:

• pregnancy or infant loss grief counsellor
• peer support group or bereavement group
• memorial events or events of remembrance
• private counselling or couples counselling
• books, videos, articles, or parent blogs

While there is a lot of information available on the internet, find information helpful to you and that is consistent with your values and beliefs.​​​