Grief can be overwhelming, confusing, and sometimes scary. Whether a child has been ill for days or years, or has died suddenly, everyone will react differently. There's no right way to grieve.
Grief can impact your physical health, feelings, relationships, thinking and memory, and spirituality. Family members may:
- feel like they're in a fog or bad nightmare
- have trouble concentrating and making decisions
- find it hard to do daily activities
- feel sad, guilty, or angry
- notice a change in eating and sleeping habits
- ask themselves "what if?"
When you experience the loss of a child, no matter what the reason, you also lose the hopes and dreams of that child's future. Feeling sadness and loss is a natural part of grieving. You may find that previous losses resurface, whether they are similar or different. Learning to live with grief is an important part of moving forward.
Everyone experiences grief in their own unique way. Some people process their grief through their emotions (feeling style), others through their thoughts (thinking style), and actions (doing style). Many people have a blended style of feeling, thinking, and doing.
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Feeling: Experiencing a variety of emotions such as intense sadness, crying, and wanting to talk about your child.
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Thinking: Searching for reasons for your loss or revisiting memories and events. Doing lots of reading, processing, and analytical thinking.
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Doing: Keeping yourself busy so you don't focus on feeling. For example, you busy yourself with projects, volunteering, or pouring yourself into your work.
Partner grief
It can be hard to understand or relate to your partner at this time. This is normal. Try not to judge your partner's reactions and understand that you may each be dealing with your grief in a different way. One partner may not be considering or recognizing their grief right away. One partner may cry and want to talk about the child, their hopes, and their dreams. The other partner may cope through distraction. They may return to work sooner, work longer hours, or busy themselves with sports or hobbies.
Some people grieve in private. This may cause the other partner to feel even more alone. Others may want to join support groups and talk about their loss with others who have had a similar loss. Even if you have different ways of grieving, you may find comfort in knowing that your partner is grieving too. This thought may help you feel less isolated. Remember there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
Sibling grief
It's important to explain things in simple language to young siblings so they understand. But avoid using phrases like “they were sick." If you use phrases like that, your child may fear that something bad will happen the next time you or they are sick. If you say “they've gone to heaven" without explaining what heaven is, they may wonder when their sibling will come back.
Tell your child the sibling died and explain what death means. Often, they'll ask the same questions over and over again. Be patient and gentle and answer the questions as they come up. Try not to overwhelm them with too much information. Children will let you know by their questions and actions when they've heard too much.
Strategies to cope with grief
Grieving can be exhausting. Finding ways to take care of yourself is important:
- let others help you and your family with whatever you need
- see your family doctor if you're worried about any problems you're having such as trouble sleeping, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts
- follow some daily routines such as regular mealtimes
- try to get some exercise every day, for example, taking a walk
- don't hide your feelings or keep them inside—talk about them
Sometimes your friends and family may be uncomfortable with your experience of grief. They still care about you, but it's not easy to talk about. They may not know what to say or do to be helpful. Sometimes they may make comments that feel insensitive without meaning to upset you. You may feel like others don't recognize your loss and that you are alone. Talk about how you're feeling with your partner and your close friends. Counselling supports are also available. Call Health Link at 811 if you need help or to find support services near you.
Some families find it helps to have extra support. It can help you understand and work through grief, and to learn how to deal with it. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
